I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
