Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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