Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
