The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
