Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
