I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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