you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
