I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
