She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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