Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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