You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Vodka?
Forever.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
