and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
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