you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
