My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
