I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
