Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
