life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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