I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
