your parents love me but you hate me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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