Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
