Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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