She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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