the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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