I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The best revenge is premature balding
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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