you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
