Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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