i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
