My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
