my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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