Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
