Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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