I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
