No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
