apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
