Someone shit on the floor
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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