Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
