Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
