apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
