I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
