He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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