Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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