The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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