sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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