My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
