My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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