just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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