Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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