im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
