I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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