Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
