If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
