my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
